Figuring it out

Lately I have been...stagnant?  I think feeling like I need more of a routine, more guidance to make things happen.  When we (I) decided to keep Elsa to half days at Montessori, I thought I would do more with her in terms of kindergarten work.  Well, I haven't.  And I don't exactly regret this--I mean, I do think that kids need plenty of time to play, and I am just as happy to have her running around outside, or playing with a friend, or muttering stories to herself as she moves the figures about on the nature table.  But lately I have been feeling like things are stagnant.  We seem to be moving somewhat randomly through our days.  We read books, sometimes we make stuff(less lately), we go to the library and to violin lessons...but we don't seem to have a direction.  We need a project--a little fuel to get us going.  So I am thinking about adding some activities to give structure to our week.  I want to have a day that we go to the woods--maybe we could decide together where we want to go...and maybe one arts and crafts project a week--not that we won't have more, but just so we have one that I will plan.  And I think I am going to involve Elsa more intimately in dessert night-we will pick them together, and she is going to have to be in charge of measuring.  So that's it--woods Wednesday, dessert night, arts and crafts day, and library day.  Let's see it goes.

Also, I have been writing down their questions, so maybe we can spend some time figuring out how to answer them.   And thinking about homeschooling, I have two different ideas going.  I really love the ideas of Waldorf--handwork, home based, simplicity...and then, I love project based learning.  I came upon this blog....http://www.whiteoakschool.com/...more things for me to think about.

Old Salem

This past weekend was Jesse's birthday.  We decided to go to Old Salem.  We all have a love of old timey things here--even David--his current favorite book is What if You Lived in Colonial Days, which he loves to quote, saying, "If you didn't behave in colonial days, watch out!"  Jesse has done a lot of research about living history places around here, and actually had already taken Elsa to Old Salem.   (It was early summer, and I didn't want to leave my garden--or go there in the wicked heat.)  In late January, it was rainy and sort of cold.  (Winter seems to have appeared nowhere around here.)  And it was fairly dead, but still it was pretty fun and interesting.  This man was working on making stitched leather fire buckets waterproof with pitch.  Anyway, here are some pictures.

Really, the Ergo baby carrier was the best piece of baby gear we have ever bought.  I keep telling people that I will give them ours, and then realizing that no, actually, it still gets a lot of use.  But, carrying my 37 pound boy in it for a few hours is fairly exhausting.  David got this hat--thank goodness he likes blue, because neither Jesse nor I could stomach the grey.   

Also, on Jesse's birthday morning, it was raining, so we went to the Children's Museum for a few hours.  Bless Jesse's generous soul--I am not sure I could be so gracious.  I am noticing how serious the children look in all of these pictures--we really did have a fun time.  I was totally charmed by how much both the children loved the room below--it was the baby doll room, and they both spent a lot of time rocking the babies and tucking them into their various cradles.

My Girl

This is my girl at Old Salem with the doll that her daddy bought her.  I said no, but I am kind of glad that he did.  My girl does love dolls, and can play so endlessly with them.  This post is actually not about Old Salem--I will post about that later. 

On Monday, Elsa and I had a terrible day.  She was unusually grumpy, defiant, and I was frustrated and impatient, angry that she should be defying me. Tuesday looked to be not too much better, and I was so frustrated and exhausted by her.  And then, after Elsa's violin lesson (where I got scolded for bringing David, because he gets so upset lately when I leave him), we went to the playground.  The weather was crazy warm, and I was looking forward to sitting and watching them play while I worked on David's sweater.  Somehow, I have been feeling like I have no time, and have spent all my spare moments cleaning or frustrated about the mess.  But she kept wanting me to help her--down the fire pole, on the swing.  My first instinct was to tell her to go play with David, that I needed to just sit for a little bit, but I am happy to say I didn't.  I took the time to be encouraging, and she actually figured out how to go down all by herself.  Then, and I am not sure how, I ended up sitting on the ground, holding her, and playing different games with her in my arms.  I think I held her for at least thirty minutes--and there is something so delicious about holding her.  She is getting so big and strong, but she still feels like my baby, and all the difficulties and frustrations totally faded away.  She is my sweet child, and I love her so, so much. 

And somehow, that physical reconnection has smoothed things out between us.  I am not sure if it is because she is just more co-operative, or if it is because I am more willing to pause, and think about things from her perspective, and be more gentle and respectful in my requests.  Or possibly a bit of both.  But it is amazing and I am grateful, and I do love my girl.

In a funk...

I have been in a funk these past few days.  I think I need a new book.  Some new ideas.  We haven't been doing much--not getting out, into the woods or anywhere really.  I haven't had much time to knit and I haven't been really motivated to do much else.  I haven't had any ideas for neat crafts to do with the kids--I have felt like I have just needed to do laundry and get things cleaned up, or get organized to go to an activity (violin lesson or taking the kids swimming at the indoor pool).   Sometimes I will sit down to draw with the kids, or, honestly, get out the drawing stuff and throw them on the table while I make dinner or fold the laundry (or search the internet fruitlessly for inspiration), and Elsa will busily make 16 nearly identical drawings of ladies in fancy dresses, with which I have no idea what to do.  Probably the secret is just to GO OUTSIDE, to go to the woods, to look at things differently.  Probably the secret is not to compare myself, not to worry that I need to be offering my children an enriching experience at every moment.  Probably the secret is to be okay in the moment, that the place we are at does not allow for big adventures (David naps right after school, and by the time he wakes up, it is usually about to get to cold to go out anywhere big to play.)  Probably the secret is to notice that my children are content and happy, and fine.  Probably the secret is to (sometimes) ignore the mess and make something.

This Winter

We have had a little bit of somewhat cold weather, and have been making these suncatchers (inspired by Amanda Blake and Steven Soule's Rhythm of the Family).  I wish I were a good enough photographer to do it justice, but it is really pretty.  And, it is a good way to get ourselves outside on cold days, to collect bits of nature and then to check on the slowly freezing pie tin.  And then to see how long it lasts, hung up outside on our porch.  This one lasted a whole two days.

 Even in this strangely warm and almost totally snowless winter, I find that I am less motivated to go anywhere.  I haven't gotten the kids into the woods in several weeks.  I just want to stay at home, maybe knit, try to regain order, cook, read and play outside with the kids.  I do think that that is my rhythm, in the winter, I want to stay close to home, hole up with my family, and I miss the snow.  We live in a geographically large (population-wise, quite small) town in the mountains of North Carolina.  There is usually snow, but because it is the south, and because there are so many small, windy roads that it would be inefficient for the town to be able to cope with it, things shut down when it snows.  And, it's fun.  A big snow where we couldn't get to the grocery store (and I am a northern driver who lived in rural Utah and can drive in the snow) motivated me to start baking my own bread, which has continued on fairly (sometimes annoyingly) steadily.  And my kids are longing to make a snowman (I am afraid David might think that his snowman will come to life--he has been singing Frosty a lot) and go sledding.  And drink some hot chocolate for Pete's sake.  And while I know I should just enjoy what is, but I am struggling.

We finally burned our Christmas tree.  This turned out perfectly--we had it out in the garden for a while and the kids made a fairly hotel in it, and the good-bye to Christmas was gentle and slow.  And, full of roasted marshmellows.  And eventually, Jesse did throw the whole tree in the fire pit--wow that tree was dry and made a massive fire.

Dinnertime

I am typing this while sitting with Elsa, waiting for her to go to sleep.  For a long time she was content to go to sleep in her own bed (after an hour of snuggling and stories) with a kiss and a song, but lately things have been shifting back, and she needs more.  Maybe it is some big developmental milestone coming.  It is probably good for me, as I have other things more pressing to do than writing here, but this is all I can do.

Lately, dinnertime has been so sweet.  Tonight, we made bagels(and tomato soup and peas).  I have been wanting to make them for a long time, and today, with the holiday and no pressing activities, seemed like the day.  I used this recipe, substituting a very small amount of whole wheat flour.  Next time, I will feel more free to use more, but I figured I had better follow the recipe correctly for a change.  I do tend to be a little relaxed about following a recipes--generally, I am a good enough cook that I can get away with it--but not always.  Anyway, it was fun and much easier and less intimidating than I thought it would be--as you can probably see, the children helped me shape the dough. 

I usually have the children set the table.  They do it with varying degrees of cheer and care.  Generally, the less directive I am and the more freedom I give Elsa to be creative, the better it goes.  (I am sometimes able to do that, and sometimes not...) Tonight, she found a pretty bowl, and prepared it with a few cloth napkins, and put the bagels out.  Then, laying out the bowls and plates and spoons was much more fun for her as she felt really invested in making everything nice.  And David loves to feel big and help by putting spoons and napkins out.  Also, Elsa loves serving things, so I am making an effort, which totally goes against the grain, of putting as much as possible into serving dishes (when things are not as rushed, obviously--some nights it is just throwing food onto their plates as soon as possible so they don't start trying to eat each other--definitely motivates me to keeping dinner early and relaxed). 

I do want to point out that Elsa is dressed as an old time girl/Mommy (she is wearing a shirt of mine, her pinafore, and her pilgrim girl hat.)  Before, both children were naked--I think they were playing horses or maybe leaping from the coffee table to the couch, and clothing was apparently too restrictive.  I should probably turn down the heat.  Anyway, being the very upright mother that I am, I do try to insist (again, unless children are completely falling apart from hunger and exhaustion) on clothes for mealtimes.  It does set the tone for a nicer meal.  David is wearing a too big bug shirt, which, if he ever really saw the picture printed on it, might never be worn again.  Gracious living here.

And then, tonight, as we all sat down and were served and getting ready to eat, David thrust his hands out, reminding us to sing our Johnny Appleseed grace:

Oh, the Lord is good to me

And so I thank the Lord

For giving me

The things I need,

The sun and the rain

And the apple seed

The Lord is good to me

Amen, Amen, Amen! Amen! Amen!

Oh, these small rhythms that seem to mean so much to them.  Jesse and I were just beaming as we all held hands and sang.  I sometimes (often) balk at ending other things early in order to really prepare for a nice dinner, but it is so delightfully worth it when I do.

Drawing with Elsa

Elsa and I did some drawing while David was napping the other day.  I posted her drawings...mine are, although technically better, much less interesting in my admittedly biased opinion. And I don't know how to get them the right way.  Sorry.   But perhaps I should have posted mine as well, since it bears thinking about.  We have been reading Swiss Family Robinson rather sporadically, because it is over David's head.  I have been shocked that it is not over Elsa's head, actually.  Anyway, I have been curious to see what she would draw from it, and we would talk about it occasionally, but it wasn't until I sat down and started drawing from it that she did as well.  This is what she came up with--and it is totally different from what I drew.   

Falconhurst--the treehouse they built.  The dad is carrying Franz up the rope ladder while the mother prepares something below.  The other boys are up there already.

This is Fritz, the oldest boy, with the monkey, Master Knips, that he adopted riding on the back of the dog, which is often (unrealistically, in my opinion) described in the book.

I was pretty impressed with her drawing, and it was so much fun to just sit and draw with her, even though, as usual, there was much housework to be done....I am trying to be better about being in the moment, which is not always my strong suit.  I had never read Swiss Family Robinson, and I never realized how long ago it was written and it turns out that the author, having never left Switzerland, was untroubled by accuracy or research.  The family is marooned on an island in the tropics of North America, and they are finding wild potatoes, penguins, kangaroos, salmon...and I think they may find elephants as well.  It is funny, and for a while I couldn't resist seriously explaining to Elsa that actually, kangaroos live only in Australia...but now I have chosen a new way.  We have talked about the fact that the author had never left Switzerland, and he wrote it when the Americas still seemed like a big, inknowable wilderness.  She is very interested in history, and does often ask, "So did the guy write it a really long time ago?"

The past few days....

This is the gnome hat I finished for Elsa.  She loves it.  I would have loved to have gotten a picture with both of them wearing their hats, but we were at a playground, and David was much too excited to have his picture taken.

 I am thinking about knitting a gnome hat for myself, and maybe for Jesse, although I am fairly certain he wouldn't wear it.  But it would be kind of cute, right?  Elsa also requested a hat for Valerie(the very favorite doll, in the picture) and for Buttercup Anne (the second favorite, hand made--not by me--Waldorf doll that I am just as happy does not accompany Elsa everywhere.)  I was in a benevolent mood, so I said probably, but now I actually do have quite a few projects lined up, so we will see. 

Speaking of knitting projects, I undertook the yearly organization of Mama's knitting basket.  Sadly, it required scissors, but I did manage to save the beautiful (and expensive) yarn I was using to make Jesse a scarf last year for his birthday, which I may be able to finish for his birthday this year.  Beloved adult family members, I think you all have scarves from me now, and I am done knitting them.  They are tedious.  But it does seem like the children have entered this incredible phase of intense, self-directed play, which allows me to work on rather large undertakings.  Sometimes it leaves me flummoxed--what exactly should I be doing right now.  But for the most part, I am enjoying it.  I love to hear the little stories that they mutter to themselves as they play.  In my house, legos generally become people and animals.  Sometimes cakes.  Anyway, my yarn basket was a horrid, tangled mess, and is, for the time being, organized.  I am going to have to think of a new way to store the yarn, though, because I have been wasting it.

Oh, and here are the batch of king and star cookies we made for Epiphany.  I really like this tradition better than the Epiphany Cake, because the kids helped more and it seemed more Christmas-y.  And, the cookie recipe is sooo good.  It is the Rich Roll Cookies in my copy (which came from my mother) of the Joy of cooking, and frosted with a glaze made with powdered sugar, hot milk and vanilla.  Really, really good.  I wish I could have posted a picture of the kids decorating them, but that would have been disastrous, as they spent about half of their time sucking the glaze off of their paintbrushes (we used paintbrushes, which was spectacular), and then re-dipping them and glazing another.  Their lips were a very strange color.  And, I have a confession to make:  I ended up bringing the cookies to the church dinner.  Time was short, and my kids were healthy.  That's kind of the way we roll around here.  Don't tell.

Epiphany

Tomorrow is Epiphany.  I am sitting right now, in front of the Christmas tree, instead of attacking the still quite messy kitchen.  I am definitely feeling melancholy.  I feel a little frustrated because I just can't pull of a great Epiphany celebration (although I should not worry too much as our church is having an Epiphany dinner).  Tomorrow I will take down the tree, and put the ornaments and decorations away.  I may bake a cake and maybe we will make some sugar cookes with kings and stars to take to the dinner tomorrow night.   And we will say good-bye to Christmas this year.  Next Christmas my children will be another year older.  Next Christmas we will gather again, and celebrate.  And I know our year will be full, with much to anticipate.  There is some winter (and I hope some snow.)  Jesse's birthday is coming right up, and Valentine's Day, and then spring is not far away.  We have been getting seed catalogues, and Elsa has been circling every single flower and I have been dreaming about way too many kinds of tomatoes...they rhythm of our lives are so rich and delightful, but it is hard for me not to mourn slightly the passing of this one, special time. 

Reflecting on the year

We woke up yesterday morning to a little dusting of snow, and (relative) cold.  Of course, the children are terribly disappointed that we don't have enough snow for a snowman.  And, I agree--if it is going to be cold, I would like there to be snow.  It is the one thing I would change about our lovely mountain town--if I could move the whole town up another 500-1000 feet, I would be happy.  I know it would be easy enough to move up that high even in Black Mountain, but I am fairly attached to my garden and this fantastic neighborhood.  On the other hand, the cold that we have had for the past few days inspired me to finish Elsa's elf hat (from More Last Minute Knitted Gifts--I do love that book.)  David has one too--that I finished in August while visiting my folks, so no gardening).  They look really cute together--I will post a picture soon--and I am thinking about knitting myself one too.

So, although apart from celebrating New Year, I haven't done much thinking about what it actually means, I thought I would think about how our year has gone, and what I would like to happen in 2012...2011 was really the year I learned to knit, and I did it up pretty big--I even knit two sweaters, although Elsa's did take me about 6 months to finish (partly because I don't knit much in garden season.)  I have been loving our local yarn shop, but the yarn there is pretty expensive.  My wonderful husband is pretty supportive of my spending money there, but I do sometimes shudder to think about how much I do spend.  I wonder how other crafty mamas handle that?  I really don't like using acrylic yarn, and I love supporting their business, but with this serious of a habit, I may need to think of other ways to procure yarn.  So, I guess that is something to think about for next year.

This year my garden was the biggest ever, and I did manage to start most of my own plants.  I had twenty-one tomato plants, and I did manage to can and freeze a lot of them, but still, that supply did lasted only until November.  I also froze some green beans and squash from the garden, but that was mostly gone by October.  Having fresh frozen vegetables in the freezer is way too tempting.  Although I have big plans to enlarge the garden again this year--I have put leaves and boxes over the grass about five feet across the entire garden, I do think the fact is that I am not going to be able to grow enough to last the year, especially since Jesse's really busy time is the summer.  We do live on less than half an acre after all...and the kids do need some places to play.  I intend to buy more from the Tailgate Market, and maybe even make a trip out to Saluda to a much cheaper market and preserve it...and then, be okay if I can't do it all. 

This year I also want to get some chickens (and I do have the occasional hankering for a couple of angora rabbits).  The coop seems to be kind of a difficult problem...neither of us are particularly handy, and the ready made ones are so expensive.  Also, although I would like to raise them from little chicks, we do have cats who would love little chick snacks.  I need to get on that one, I suppose.

And I still want to try to homeschool next year.  But I have to say, the nine hours a week that David is in school are fairly helpful--when not preparing for Christmas, I can take a run, and get somewhat on top of the housework (it's all relative).   But I have not liked having Elsa in school for five days--even though it is only three hours a day.  Our days seem disjointed, and she craves "home-days."  And I miss her.  I guess this is the time for me to be researching heavily how to make everything happen-I will need a babysitter, and to find some things for her to do that are socail and out of the house.

This year, I would like to spend less time on the internet, perhaps even reading the blogs that I do love.  Sometimes  I find them inspiring, and sometimes I find them discouraging.  I need to either find a way to not compare myself, or to just not read them.  I am sure there is more, but time is running short.  Here is a link I found at Are So Happy--it's beautiful  Some day, some day.

http://www.childrenandnature.org/blog/2011/12/19/holiday-love-letters/

New Year's Eve and Day

We had a nice New Year's Eve--we worked on New Year's hats, and then went on a little "hike" (to the woods so the kids could run around with some sweet friends.)  The rock that they are sitting on is called (according to Elsa and David) bed rock, and it is about a quarter of a mile along the trail.  And then,iIn my quest to keep the holidays going, for New Year's Eve we had an outdoor fire and some friends over for potato soup and s'mores.  It was fun--lots of small children running around a fire, eating marshmellows and wearing funny hats.  (The kids and I made New Year's Eve crowns in preparation--leaving some glitter out for the kids to decorate their own.  It was a success.)  David had not napped, and fell asleep in my arms at about 7:00, and it was so lovely.   I got to cuddle my sweetly sleeping not a baby anymore while sitting near  fire with other grown-ups, drinking wine and chatting.  Elsa and her friends were inside, playing complicated games involving fairies and the bunk beds.  Then bath, "Zlateh the Goat" by Isaac Bashevis Singer, and bed for my little girl.  (My mother always read that to us on Christmas Eve, and when I remember I check it out of the library around Christmas--Elsa actually thinks it is too sad--she is the most sensitive child.)  A perfect New Year's Eve, with all of us, including Jesse and me, tucked in by 10:00.   I would like to make it a tradition, but I am not sure that it would be feasible on a normally cold December 31st around here--we might need a much bigger fire or I would have to be okay with more people running through my house.

I had great plans for New Year's Day, which didn't work out exactly as I had hoped.  I did make black eyed peas and collard greens, but nobody but me really ate them...I thought it would be really fun to attempt another movie night...Jesse got the old Robin Hood (where Robin Hood and Maid Marian are foxes.)  I thought it would be great, but no...Elsa was completely overcome with sobs about halfway through, and didn't really recover enough to even eat dinner.  David fell asleep immediately--this transition to no napping has been fairly magnificent.  Elsa, however, needed about an hour of stories--we are reading Swiss Family Robinson, which takes a whole lot of translation, then she was ready for dinner and dessert--cranberry clafoutis, which will definitely be a New Year's tradition from here on out.

I haven't really made any New Year's resolutions or done any reflecting at all, really.  2011 was a good year, although we did have some struggles.  I am somewhat alarmed at how fast time seems to be going--it is one of those cliches that is a cliche because it is so true.  This is the year when Elsa will turn six, and David turn four.  This is the year when David will wean (although I have absolutely no idea how that will work).  And as exciting and delightful it is to watch these children grow into themselves, I wish it would all just slow down a bit.

And now, things are definitely feeling sort of slow and I am a little melancholy as I try to figure out what to do...there is plenty of cleaning and organizing to do, but I miss (sort of) the pace of the holidays where there is always something obvious to do.  I know we will regain a sort of rhythm, but I do struggle in this transition.