Vulnerable...

Today we played hooky from violin-it was beautiful, and we ended up carting the kids along on all kinds of errands, and Elsa was kind of a mess, so I declared a skip day and we went to get ice cream and go to the playground.  I have been busy with my own agenda lately (and not feeling well) and feeling like kind of a slave to our rhythm, that we haven't made a lot of time for spontaneous fun.  I am so glad we did make time today.

But I had some personal struggles at the playground.  I have never been a huge worrier about the kids getting physically hurt.  My children have always seemed fairly hardy to me--once past that scary newborn phase, that is.  Also, they seem generally sensible, and don't tend to attempt things that they can't do on the playground without asking for assistance.  However, I do worry (fruitlessly and clearly, needlessly) about them emotionally.  At the playground, there were lots of children playing, and Elsa told me how excited she was to play with them.  And she is not shy, and she ran right out, and said, "Hi!"  But it didn't work out right away for her.  I sat down with my knitting, and tried not to watch too closely as she attempted to make her way in to several groups, without much initial success.  She sat back, and watched a little bit, and played with David. She asked me to help her on the monkey bars, and I did, and then helped David for a minute, and then I sat back down, determined to let her figure it out.  And she did--she managed to find a girl about her age, and they played happily until it was time for the little girl to go.  (I had decided we would stay a good long time and just let them have fun, as I used to do more but don't so much anymore.  I guess Daylight Savings is good for some things....)  Then she happily made her way into a family of little girls, and played for a while with them. 

It's just so hard.  I am honestly not terribly phased by their physical pain.  It is so easy to fix, to do something about-just my calm presence and empathy does so much.  But the inevitable sorrows that come with being human--occasional loneliness, hurt, fright, I won't be able to fix.  And while this particular incident wasn't full of pain and sorrows, it did remind me that my children will experience these feelings.  And while I know that they will be okay, I do feel sad and vulnerable about it.   And I may just have to back off and be present for them when they need me. 

But my babies, I am here...